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Old 12-10-2009, 10:11 PM   #1
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Help im stuck on the toilet and I don’t know what to do!

So my office basically left early to beat a blizzard and my dumbasss was like “ I live close, its cool guys, ill lock up!” and so I went to go take a dump just now and realized there is no toilet paper out here and sense the janitor does not get here till6 to clean up and the boss has the keys there is no way I can open up the janitor closet to get some toilet paper… im still dropping bombs so , as a pre emptive move, I need your opinion. Should I use my underwear to wipe and walk home commando in a blizzard, wipe with my hands and wash them real good ( not a fan of that idea) or walk out of the bathroom into the office area and look for paper towels or something with my pants down? Im on my blackberry and I only have a few bombs left before decision time!
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:13 PM   #2
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Gotta go with the underpants option dude. Tough luck :/

You could always just run outside and wipe your ass in the snow, bit cold but it'd do the job.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:14 PM   #3
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unlucky do what feels right but i would probably check next time befor you start but maybe underware and leave them for cleaner
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:14 PM   #4
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:15 PM   #5
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What, no toilet seat covers where you work?
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:21 PM   #6
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We have toilet seat covers, I don’t know what good that will do me… of you mean like sanitary ones… oh no we don’t. Im trying to call everyone I know to see if they’ll bring me some wipes because it was extra wet just now and its not exactly a quick fix anymore. I need quality AAA toilet paper now. Im thinking I might go into the office and wonder around the cubicles pants down for some toilet paper… wish me luck.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:25 PM   #7
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good luck have fun hope it all goes well
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:32 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by McKaystyles View Post
We have toilet seat covers, I don’t know what good that will do me… of you mean like sanitary ones… oh no we don’t. Im trying to call everyone I know to see if they’ll bring me some wipes because it was extra wet just now and its not exactly a quick fix anymore. I need quality AAA toilet paper now. Im thinking I might go into the office and wonder around the cubicles pants down for some toilet paper… wish me luck.
Suggest to stock sanitary toilet seat covers next meeting (it's a good fallback).

As you step out the door, your coworkers yell "CONGRAGULA..." in celebration of your blank years with the company. The next couple of days become awkward.

Oh and don't forget about the Security Camera.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:35 PM   #9
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Definitely the underwear option, if you choose the hands, you'll never feel clean again.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:49 PM   #10
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I don't get this. Why can't you wash yourself? Is there no water there?
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:53 PM   #11
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Use your sock and get the F back home. I'm seriously LOL'ing at this right now.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:54 PM   #12
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I feel your pain, but must admit it amuses me that you would come here of all places for advice. haha.

I'd say go commando, you can wash and wash but your hand would NEVER feel clean again.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:56 PM   #13
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I don't get this. Why can't you wash yourself? Is there no water there?
I know right! It's like he doesn't wash his ass in the shower.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:58 PM   #14
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Underwear then walk home commando.
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Old 12-10-2009, 11:05 PM   #15
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I'd go with the sock also. Never go walking around the office with your pants down, you never know who's still there and what the cameras are looking as
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Old 12-10-2009, 11:11 PM   #16
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Wipe with your boss' paperwork.
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Old 12-10-2009, 11:36 PM   #17
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Simple, wash your ass in the sink
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Old 12-10-2009, 11:48 PM   #18
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Sorry, I saw toilet in the title and had to post that.
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:19 AM   #19
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That is too funny, but very unlucky.... Whenever you are in a situation like this, you have to think to yourself... "what would McGyver do...?"

But seriously... Just use the sink and your hand, or use the seat covers to get most of it then wash up? or try to get most of it, then put the pants on and go scouting for someones office (they are bound to have Tissue paper).... I don't think I would use any clothing, unless I planned to throw it away. If anything, I'd just throw on my pants and go looking for tissue paper more then anything. Doubtful you'll get anything on your pants while standing, but I wouldn't go sitdown.
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:37 AM   #20
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I know right! It's like he doesn't wash his ass in the shower.
You take a shit in the shower then wash your pooter with your hands in the shower? Wow.

My ass gets washed in the shower but it's been wiped previously before getting in.

Anywho, what the heck are you typing on? A CrackBerry or iPhone? I'd go with the underpants route myself. Toilet seat covers are simply too thin and you risk digitally raping yourself if you wipe too hard. That doesn't sound like a fun end to my day.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:01 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CyanideBreathMint View Post
You take a shit in the shower then wash your pooter with your hands in the shower? Wow.

My ass gets washed in the shower but it's been wiped previously before getting in.

Anywho, what the heck are you typing on? A CrackBerry or iPhone? I'd go with the underpants route myself. Toilet seat covers are simply too thin and you risk digitally raping yourself if you wipe too hard. That doesn't sound like a fun end to my day.
The thought of anyone wiping their ass with an iPhone makes me a sad panda... A sad one indeed.

I had a similar train of thought when someone suggested the toilet seat covers, but then again, maybe that's their thing.

I will say though, if I were to be in this predicament, I wouldn't come here with the problem. Even though, it's certainly a story to tell the kids, or at least your mates.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:07 AM   #22
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I know right! It's like he doesn't wash his ass in the shower.
Can't... Stop.... Laughing..

Oh... Anyway, I'd opt for the underwear option. Commando ain't that bad. Certainly better than wiping with your hand. I know your pain, man. I've been there. Ever since, I've always checked to see if there's TP beforehand. Habit now... For better or worse.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:33 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by McKaystyles View Post
We have toilet seat covers, I don’t know what good that will do me… of you mean like sanitary ones… oh no we don’t. Im trying to call everyone I know to see if they’ll bring me some wipes because it was extra wet just now and its not exactly a quick fix anymore. I need quality AAA toilet paper now. Im thinking I might go into the office and wonder around the cubicles pants down for some toilet paper… wish me luck.
I'm literally lol'ing at the minute. This has got to be the funniest thread I've ever read
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:44 AM   #24
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Haha. I am so sorry. Use the underwear or the sock. What about checking a different stall?
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:53 AM   #25
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Best thread ever.

Definitely the undies option. Ditch them in the bin with a note for the janitor to keep your poop paper stocked.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:02 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CyanideBreathMint View Post
You take a shit in the shower then wash your pooter with your hands in the shower? Wow.

My ass gets washed in the shower but it's been wiped previously before getting in.

Anywho, what the heck are you typing on? A CrackBerry or iPhone? I'd go with the underpants route myself. Toilet seat covers are simply too thin and you risk digitally raping yourself if you wipe too hard. That doesn't sound like a fun end to my day.
How much shit is left on your ass after? The whole concept of 'wiping something off with paper and now it's clean' is absurd. If there was a turd on an impervious surface and I took TP and wiped it off would you touch it if you were guranteed to be able to wash your hands with soap and water immidiately after?

The only proper way to clean your ass is to use a bidet, not toilet paper.

Most of you are so afraid of getting your hands dirty that you would rather soil your clothes!
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:36 AM   #27
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ahhh man dude i feel sorry for you XD when i saw this thread i was like ROFL! XD if i were you i would use your pants lol and you should really check next time you need to do a crap if theres any toilet roll about or just keep a roll in your bag and take it to work with you just incase! XD
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:51 AM   #28
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Old 12-11-2009, 04:01 AM   #29
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Underwear.. Throw them out to please. :P
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:57 AM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shinobi273 View Post
How much shit is left on your ass after? The whole concept of 'wiping something off with paper and now it's clean' is absurd. If there was a turd on an impervious surface and I took TP and wiped it off would you touch it if you were guranteed to be able to wash your hands with soap and water immidiately after?

The only proper way to clean your ass is to use a bidet, not toilet paper.

Most of you are so afraid of getting your hands dirty that you would rather soil your clothes!
To break it down:
  • Not enough for me to be concerned enough to hop into a shower. I've known how to wipe my ass since the age of 2 and probably properly a year later.
  • If you wiped a turd off an impervious surface or otherwise, no, I would not touch it regardless of any promises. What an odd question.
  • Bidet's are virtually non-existent in North America so that option isn't a valid one for our toilet paper challenged colleague.
  • Not afraid at all about getting dirty, I just prefer options other than lathering my hands in my own crap.

You're cool with your route, I'm cool with mine. We shall leave it at that. If I was in the OP's situation, I'd do what I and several others have suggested.
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