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Top 5 Jokes you know or found


HIGH PSI
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This thread is your top five jokes.

 

I'd like to say that any and all types of jokes should be able to be posted here (i.e. even racial=have a sense of humour for fucksake) but more likely then not someone will get their politically correct panties in a twist.

 

But you never know,maybe we're all mature enough to recognise a good joke and have a laugh at ourselves.

 

But enough bullshit,on with the jokes

 

1.

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries

desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

2.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

 

HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

 

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

3. A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

4. A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"

Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

 

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance

between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on

you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

 

Love,

Becky

 

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any

snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,

ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of

Becky,

 

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had

collected from his buddies.

 

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

 

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the

fuck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest

back to me.

 

5. There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

 

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

 

Thats my top 5 atm,post yours up so everyone can have a laugh

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