Festive Features #4 - Top Five Biggest Nutters of 2013
Written Sunday, December 22, 2013 By Lee BradleyView author's profile
It’s that time again. As Christmas nears and the year draws to an end, we’re taking a look at the last twelve months and picking out some of the aspects we’ve enjoyed most (and least) in 2013. Our Festive Features are back!
Nutters, video games are full to the brim with them. Whether it’s the goons that fall to our blizzard of bullets, the psychos that lead them, or even the characters we play, our favourite hobby is overflowing with people with questionable mental faculties. But this was a vintage year for loonies, with some nutjobs for the ages. Find out our pick below.
5. Batman: Arkham Origins - Bruce Wayne
Look, Bruce Wayne is a bazillionaire. He could spend the rest of his life jet skiing and sipping champagne out of Kate Upton’s belly button if he really wanted to. He should be on a beach somewhere, a tropical beach. On an island that he owns. But nope. Instead he’s slipping on a rubber suit, dropping his voice a few octaves and beating the crap out of goons.
There’s a bit at the start of Arkham Origins, when the story is being set up. Alfred says something like, “Sir, if assassins have been sent to kill you tonight, and nobody knows your identity or location, wouldn’t it be best if you just stayed here?” But Wayne doesn’t listen. It’s further evidence that he's got bats in the belfry. Don’t believe the guff about saving innocents, Bruce Wayne's haunted past has given him a psychotic desire to bash bad guy bonces. He loves it and that’s why he’s one of our top nutters of the year.
4. Tomb Raider - Lara Croft
Lara Croft is a schizophrenic mess. A dangerous one. While she may pull the doe-eyed ‘What am I going to do I’m so scared and vulnerable’-schtick, she’s actually a terrifying killer, capable of murdering slightly rapey Russian blokes, skinning them and turning them into a nice new handbag within seconds.
It’s a common trait for video game protagonists. Like Nathan Drake before her, she may just be an average Joe(sephine), but she’s responsible for the death of hundreds. She has blood on her hands, and as her journey progresses she grows more and more into the part, caving in skulls with pickaxes, pulling off headshot after headshot and blasting dudes in the face with a shotgun. This new version of Lara Croft isn’t a survivor, she’s a psychokiller.
3. Dead Space 3 - John Carver
The Dead Space series has always been about madness. Portraying mental breakdowns brought on by grief, guilt and the odd bit of sci-fi bobbins, the demons fought by protagonist Isaac Clarke aren’t just skittering along the floor ready to rip him to pieces, they're crawling through his mind too. Yet in the disappointing Dead Space 3, it’s Isaac’s co-op partner Carver who’s most afflicted.
Kickstarted by some rather tragic circumstances, Carver’s hallucinations bring on visions of horrific birthday parties, toy soldiers, and haunting messages from his wife and son, screaming and crying and generally being spooky as hell. By the time Carver’s last vision reaches its screeching peak, the poor man has gone totally doolally. Dead Space 3 isn’t the best of games, but John Carver is undeniably one of this year’s biggest nutters.
2. Dead Rising 3 - Darlene
Dead Rising 3 has loads of loonies, with a septuplet of psychos themed around the seven deadly sins. Doing this allowed developer Capcom Vancouver to come up with all kinds of crazed creations, from the muscle-bound Jherii to the Lust Cannon-crotched Dylan. But not one of them is even half as memorable as Darlene Fleischermacher.
Has there ever been a nastier video game character? With dirty, scaly, wobbling flesh spilling out over her motility scooter, a greasy bee-hive perched on her head, thighs like tree trunks made out of lard and food smeared around her chubby chops, she’s a grotesque monster of a woman who meets a suitably grotesque end. She’s utterly putrid, a gluttonous, greedy gobbler of a gal. Whatever you do, just don’t ever, ever call her fat.
1. GTA V - Trevor
Good old Trevor. Waking up at the top of a hill in a dress, complaining about ice cocks. Kidnapping then falling in love with the elderly wife of a Mexican mob boss. Seducing, and being seduced by a teddy bear. Electrocuting a man’s nipples with jump leads. No video game character has ever amused, confused or terrified us more than Grand Theft Auto V’s bonker balding badass.
He fits with the game too. For the first time ever, you could run amok; running over pedestrians, crashing planes into buildings, driving the wrong way down the highway and indulging your wildest psycho fantasies, without undermining the narrative. Trevor is a lunatic and playing like one made completely perfect sense. So hats off to you Trev, in a year of brilliantly bizarre nutters, you’re this year’s biggest and best. You look surprisingly good in that dress too.